Essay 1: unbecoming to Become

For what seemed like an eternity, I thought I was so far off of my path that there was no turning back. I found myself spiraling repeatedly, even if a good day would make its way through. It seemed like pain was the only constant in my life, and happiness was temporary. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments when I even felt like a hypocrite to smile, laugh, be happy. It felt like I was doing myself a disservice… disrespecting myself.

Until that pain began to drown me, and it was too difficult to bear. On September 19, 2019, I decided that it was time to just give up.

Looking back now, the events that occurred that night were too magical to start off Essay #1 with. The most important part of the experience was what it led me to… the unbecoming.

I had to unlearn who I thought I was. That disrespect I felt was only present because of the idea I had in my head of my “identity.” I took on my pain. Wore my sadness like the most expensive set of pearls. Carried my physical illnesses with me, even though they cut so deep that they began to scar me from the inside, too.

I had to unlearn. Unlearn how to stop glorifying my pain, and making excuses for why it was okay to keep myself at rock-bottom.

It came with moments of people questioning my sanity. Just weeks before, I was the most depressed, suicidal person in my family and friend-group. It had become so engraved in me, that the pain was my new normal. The healing, unbecoming version of me became scary. 

“The higher you climb, the harder you fall,” is a sentence that still rings in my head so clearly. People doubted my ability to heal.. but only because they were so afraid of how drastic my way back down would be. I’d never risen that high before.

Throughout my journey, I had no teacher. No support group. No spiritual community online. I was forced into isolation… me, myself, my journal, and my puppy. For months.

I had to rediscover who I wanted to become in order to strip away all that I was not. And for some reason, I had to do it on my own.

So I began taking inventory. I mapped out my hurt, and connected the dots to my past. I observed myself for days at a time, completely separate from the world around me— I had to step away from everyone and everything to get clear sight of who I really was without all of the noise.

And then, I began tearing away the pages. Feeling the hurt, and replacing it with new narratives.

A question I repeatedly asked myself was, “what makes me happy?” I was so separated from that concept, that it alone took me weeks to truly understand.

And it all came back to helping. Helping myself. Helping others. At that point, I knew that the darkness that had engulfed me for so many years had to happen… it was my roadmap to helping others heal.

And so for months, I unbecame. Until I became me. Until I became the intuitive. The healer. The mentor. The teacher. For myself, and then for others.

Teaching high school English was just a pit-stop along my way.. I had to learn the ropes. Finishing college early was just a fast-forward button on my belt-loop— it all happened in divine timing to lead me to exactly where I needed to be on 9/19/19.

Just when I thought everything around me was crumbling, and my story was over… I picked up the pen again and began writing.

Literally. I wrote for 14 hours straight that night. And all of the lessons learned, I already knew… I had just forgotten them through the programming and pain I’d allowed to numb me throughout the years.

So here I am, willing to lay it all out on the line. Open to sharing every darkness, crevice, painful moment, and beautiful as well, with those who are seeking the light in times of darkness. I’ve held the hands of many through their own nightmares, and guided them back to their true beams of greatness.

Amila: Soldier of God. Here to fight for the Love we’re all made of. I look forward to sharing essay #2, where I’ll go deeper into purpose and what the “fight” we’ve already won is all about, anyway.

Until then, sending you so much love and strength. No matter where you are, you’re not alone. May you call upon your angels, your spirit team, your guides, and soul tribe… and May they all help you find your way back to you. Your way back to unbecoming to Become.